Hello there, whoever you are..

So 2016 started off with a bang. Fantastic, to be honest. Boyfriend, and then some :)

Fast forward to January 15th, I stopped getting work from the agency I worked for. Depression started, really bad thoughts started crossing my mind, was on the verge of death. That continued for about 2 weeks. I've told my dad about it and he straight away bought me a ticket to Lithuania. I thought "great, maybe some one will be able to fix me, whatever's wrong with me any way".

I brought weed with me by accidents, never got caught by any one. The real trouble started when my dad found the weed and he was the one to call the cops. I just slept in a cell for few hours and that's that. Some one received a decent bribe, methinks. I was out the same day. Lithuania is full of this kind of corruption, I hate it.

Fast forward few days, I am taken to a psychiatric hospital. It was actually worse than I imagined, something out of Soviet times. Scary at first, got injected with diazepam, people there were hearing voices, terrifying shit like that.

Anyways, I stayed there for a month, met awesome people, even made friends. But the last 2 weeks.. They were just awesome..
I became friends with this Russian girl. Friendship progressed into something more.. We were always together, kept getting closer and closer.. Showed love to each other.. At first to piss off the nurses, I thought it was a joke, but then, about a week before I left, it turned out to be real. Damn, I thought.. This can't be real.. No one could separate us, we ate together, smoked, held hands almost every where.. On the last day, when I was leaving, I didn't want to go any more, I wanted to stay because of her.. When my dad came to pick me up, we went for a cigarette. We hugged, while we both smoked.. After we walked, we kissed, for real. I think I only felt that similar feeling with another girl from the past. Except this time, it was stronger. I hope this is a crush.. Because it will be difficult to keep it up in the lovely Lithuania. I expected to find a guy here easily, but this was x100 better.
Now that I was transferred to a diferrent place, a better one, where food isn't half bad.. I still want to leave. I miss that girl soo bad, even though we talk every day for few hours.. She is also leaving that hospital this week. She will be coming here to the day center. It shall be interesting.. Ahhh feelings..
I know that this will be a short romance, but I just don't want to miss out on this just yet.. We will see where it goes. Bloody hell.

Stuff on my mind

                               I love this show so much. This is my definition of a perfect couple by the way :)

I think I've identified the point where my life was starting to go in a wrong direction, I think it happened at some point in October 2009.
Now, it wasn't all bad, actually I've had some of the best times in my life, found new people and connections, even friends and shit loads of enemies. But my god, I was actually dragged into hell at the same time. Wow, come to think of it so much time has passed. Nearly 5 years! It's scary how time goes by quicker and quicker.
Sometimes memories from those times visit me, they comfort me, but there's a reason why they're called the past. Or, would I rather keep them?
Would I go back to the past? Well, certainly. I would've made things better, I guess.
But at the end, you just never know how things would play out, it's like playing the Russian roulette.
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Right now, I've dug myself out of a financial hole. It feels good. But, I know and I feel that I'm just waisting my time. With everything, really. I have no direction. There's very little that I live for. It's just the uncertainty that kills me. I am craving something, yet I just can't tell what. I am so confused :/
I've been doing a lot of partying and just being bad in general. Bad for myself. I just don't know what's going on. I guess you can call it an escape. How long will it last?

Visokios mintys

Kodel taip elgtis?

Galva svaigsta nuo tos nekaltos sypsenos, kuri giliai slepia skausma ir neapykanta.
Norisi tiketi, nors ir visi zino kuo tas pasibaigs.
Kodel zmones vaiksto su kaukem ir taip baisu jas nusimesti?
Kai kerstas ir apgaules yra kasdieninis ivykis, sunku atsikratyti tos savo puses.
Gal zmones ir niekada pasikeicia, nes cia ju apsaugos mechanizmas?
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Kol kas viskas normaliai. Si savaite bus ypac ipatinga :D Laukiu nesulaukiu ilgai laukto nuotykio :D
Tik reikia prisimt netapti tuo zmogum vel, nu.. Kad nebutu vel geda ryte :D
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O va cia dainele is mano vaikystes. Galvodavau kad grazi, bet buvau nauja ir visos prasmes nepagavau. O dabar uzaugus dar geresne ir grazesne pasidare :) Oh, tie prisimenimai...

I've paid all of my debts!! I'm so happy :D And there's only one direct debit on the card left. It feels so good to sort out big problems, after ignoring them for a long time haha.

      Mygtukas paspaustas.. Gal kazkas man primins kaip ji deaktyvuoti?


"Į savo gyvenimą Tave įsileidau nors ir buvau sau pažadėjusi, kad daugiau niekas nepateks į mano tvirtovę, kuri slėpėsi už nepralaužiamų sienų. O Tu atėjai taip lyg būčiau seniai Tavęs laukusi. Tapai mano susikurtos tvirtovės saule, kuri džiugina ir šildo. Tapai daug artimesniu ir svarbesniu žmogumi nei kada būčiau pagalvojusi. Tavo rūpestingumas, pavydumas ir idealistinis požiūris į gyvenimą mane vertė žavėtis Tavimi dar stipriau. Pažintis su Tavimi man atnešė labai daug pirmų kartų mano gyvenime..."
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Siandien man liudna. Kazko truksta. Kazko pasiilgau. Bet net nezinau ko. Keista, ar ne? 
Gal pasiilgau Lietuvos. Gal ir kazko kito. Keistos mintis pas mane sukasi galvoje ir kelia man pavoju. Jausmas toks, kad kazkas blogo atsitiks. Bet, gal tik reiketu tai pamirsti ir toliau gyventi. Tokiu minciu visai nenoriu. Dar pas mane yra itampa, nes zmones reikalauja manes, o as saves nenoriu niekam duoti, nes man nereikia vienos nakties nuotykiu. As noriu kazko TIKRO. Juk, neprasau daug?

Mes Liksime Tik Draugais, Liudnais Laiko Isskirtais.

Hey there anonymous people..

Didn't want to write for a bit, since I'm dealing with pain, probably both emotional and physical. But hey, if you smile and say that you're just FINE, no one will question you.. Only the ones that know you, will see past you. But how can they, if my eyes and my mind are looking elsewhere..How will you tell?
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Anyways, I've been doing good with life and personal stuff. Well, since the last time I posted something anyway, which was roughly a month ago. This weekend was really good, all the way from Friday to Sunday. Friday was really awesome, except few things.. I wish people would be more direct and speak up, instead of bringing things up later and making you feel guilty about something.. On Friday I had a really good time, since I met 2 old friends. At first it was like whoa, how much we grew up and our paths crossed yet again. It was  unreal. But really nice. As the night progressed, more drinks were consumed.. Whenever I used to go out with them, the nights were really crazy. And this particular occasion was no exception..Except we didn't end up at a stranger's house, which was good haha. My memory is still hazy. That tells quite a story huh? I'm writing this on Tuesday, I haven't worked for the past few days which gave me time to think about things. Maybe I've had too much time to think and I will drive myself crazy. But nah, I'm enjoying myself. I've also made my first sale on Ebay :D
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There are few people that are interested in me. But starting something with someone new is always hard, because I usually mess everything up and just disappear. It's what I do best. Unless.. You're really, really special. Then I will fight with myself in order to.. I don't know, be with someone who actually likes me?
When people tell me that they like or love me, somehow I always think that it's a LIE.
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Anyways, thanks for reading, would've written more, but I have to think about something and make some decisions :)

Today I do have something to be happy about. I called Vodafone, told them to stop screwing me around, because I want a new phone, since my one is slowly dying :( ..
So, they are sending me a new one, a really good one as well, the one on the right in the picture.
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Update: Yes, they gave me a new phone!!! I'm so happy :) Life's good ;)

                                 My favorite song right now. I don't want to be a nini forever, but for now, why not :)
I'm so happy. I'll get paid tomorrow. The nice guy, whom I'm seeing is so fun! I really think I could love him. We just have so many adventures and we suit each other very nicely. A hacker, musician, skateboarder.. What more could I want? He loves his guns, knows a lot about them. Also has lizards and an Iguana, which roams freely in his room. This one time he said, iguana crawled on him while sleeping hahaha. They like warm places :) I would be like, what's this thing laying on top of me hahahaha xD

Oh, right now, I live in the poshest area close London, there's no crime, people smile and it's so beautiful here! They frickin' love me here. Especially women, men are so jealous of me, because their wives fancy me!!! LOL.
I can't wait to go to Lithuania. I'm so happy I could actually die and be ok with it :)
Enough crazy talk, need to focus on me, need to get better. But I have everything now. There's nothing else..
I'M LIVING A DREAM WTF IS GOING ON?!?!?!

I think I have a boyfriend. He's very smart and just amazing.
I'm scared. I totally lost my mind. And I don't want J anymore. I didn't think about her in ages.
Hopefully I won't dream about her. I should focus on him. I've known him for a week and he already wants to marry me. It's just too good to be true. Let's see...
I'm also going to Lithuania to fix my health next month. Fun fun fun. He will also come with me. We will stay at 5 star hotels, there will be a jacuzzi and we will party all day and night.
Everything is just like a dream, wow.
Well good luck Agne, everything will work out just fine ;)

It's starting again. I am scared.

But I am hopeful that everything will work out just fine. That time has come again, the darkness has  once again returned. This time, maybe, just maybe it will last few days, not months. I'm either pissed off or sad, coz my friend told me to leave the house on Thursday (Usually I have to leave on Friday, because her boyfriend hates me and I just want a calm life and avoid confrontations, accusations and stupid questions). The arrangement with her was that I stay at hers 5 days a week (Monday to Friday), but on Wednesday she turned around and said that her boyfriend is coming on Thursday, the next day. I pay her rent as well. It isn't fair really. I don't know what I'm supposed to think. It's not my house and I should be grateful anyway for letting me stay with her. Man, it's so fun to be homeless. Best thing ever. At least I have something to write about.
It's so hard to be happy. I feel.. Nothing, just nothing. I just exist, I don't feel. There's nothing to look forward to. Except SEL concert in July. That's one of the things in my bucket list :)
Right now I'm just thinking if I should go back to Lithuania and just start over, study.
Decisions, decisions...

A New Day, New life, New Beginnings.

Today is marked as a new start to my new life. I have no family left here anymore, all I have is my Dad, who is thousands of miles away.



My idiot mother left ALL of my things outside. Expensive, limited edition clothes, my electronics, my old laptop, they were damaged in the rain.. That is just stuff, but who in their right mind would do this? It's f*cking cruel and just plain wrong.

I lost my consciousness on Sunday and I woke up in hospital. I was so scared, because I couldn't remember much. And before you ask, no, I haven't done any drugs or drank anything. I'm very ill and have been for 3 weeks now. I have no idea what's going on. I'm confused and I don't know what's happening. Is it dreamland or reality. I.. I'm lost. I'm torn between "I don't care about life and what will happen to me, might as well get in trouble go to prison or mental hospital" or "I can achieve great things and make my dad proud, because I still have some time left".

Shit, that same Sunday I was going to throw myself under a high speed train, but the engineers were working on the track and there were no trains. Maybe it was a sign.. I don't know.

Being positive is all I've got left now. I just have to get through whatever I'm going through and make my life better. I'm 1 step away from it.

---

I really have to be grateful to my friends, they were the ones that were there for me, in my worst time of my life. I'm glad I didn't screw up those relationships yet, I was so close. I feel bad accepting help from people, because when you're broke, you can't really repay them, all you can do is be there for them and support them emotionally, I guess. :(


Oh, and I got a raise, because I work very hard, I don't want to brag (Well it looks like I am xD) but I've been just great, coming to work when I'm severely ill and covering for my boss, coz he drinks and forgets shit then blames it on me. I walked out of my job on friday because he was just shouting at me for no reason and I've just had enough, you know. He followed me for 300 meters as I walked to the train station and he was begging me to come back, but c'mon, why should I work so hard, when I'm doing far more work than him and I get paid peanuts. Not even minimum wage. I might as well for a bag of Pistachios. I he just gave up and he doesn't want to learn anything new about computers anymore. No one will use for anything any more. I stood up for myself and it felt GREAT and it looks like this month will be very good for me ;)

I'm back to work now, it's all good and he's trying not to bitch about anything or moan. I told him to stop, because it is annoying and it drove me mad that day. I mean, if you don't like something, change it or don't do it. Why make life hard for yourself?



DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT AND STOP COMPLAINING :)



Rant over ;)

 

I dedicate this song to a NEW DAY, because that is today :)

Let's just say I'm glad to be alive after this weekend :)
I am grateful for my friends, they are my family now. My mum and maybe my sister (she's controlled by my mother) doesn't love me anymore, I've moved out. Well, they kicked me out. I've injured my right arm and they couldn't even help me move my stuff. My mother and her friend were drinking f***ing posh wine and just sitting there. My sister helped me with the bags, at least. But now, neither my sister nor my mum called ever since I was kicked out. Nada! My sister is probably scared of my mum, probably got threatened by my mum. Anyways, she will be sent to University, coz my mum wants an easy life, posh dinners, holidays and dirty sex with disgusting old men. Sad :(  She made nasty comments towards me, while I was getting my stuff out, as usual. But now I found out that she was jealous of her ex best friend that she used for everything, that took me in as her daughter. I was treated with respect and kindness, by her friend. I've never gotten that from my mum.

Things are looking up though, but my god, this weekend I've had could easily be a great film. What I've lived though, what I've seen. I should be dead, I'm serious. It could've happened.
But it's so hard.. I miss her soo much and there's nothing I can do about it.
I've stopped drinking and being crazy. There is no point in killing yourself for a girl that will never be with you or even care. I'll find someone better, there's 2 potential girls already, just have to make a choice really ;) They are both really cute.. It's hard hehe.
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Victim support team called and they said they will help me get a flat, in the area I like. I am so happy that help like this exists.

My auntie is sad, but she is not drinking. At least there's that. She cried on the phone to me this morning. And I can't help her. I feel bad.
Right now, I just need to get a flat and a 2nd job. Maybe a dog. That'd be nice. Or a girl ;)
Things are definitely looking up ;)

I've got an idea for a film or a book, what I've seen and been through this weekend is better than anything I've seen in my life lol. CRAZY AND DANGEROUS.
I might write something nice here, when I'm up and running again ;)

                                                                                  I want this as a painting. I like it :)
Yeah, I should stop liking crazy people. It does me no good. I met a nice girl, we drank, the night was good. She ended going to the pub, which was locked. Me and her 2 friends we were worried about her, we were trying to get her out. She was sooo drunk! I don't know how we ended up in West Ealing out of all places haha. But yeah after some time she came out with some guy and maybe they went to have sex who knows! I said to her when she came out that maybe she should let her friends know what she's gonna do. Since she was in that state.. But I should stop developing crushes on crazies. But I love crazy :) Makes life exciting and adventurous. I'll have to find a healthy balance.

Some more things I'd like to say.

The past few days were good, just the last 2 nights of nightmares were a bit too much. Then there's the sticky situation with Russia bullying countries again. I wonder how the rest of the world will decide to deal with him.. No one has a solid plan in place yet. We shall see what happens. Oh, and when this started Putin's lover became a meme lol. She said something really stupid and became an internet sensation for a while haha. But I found it quite funny :)

It seems that I can't find it, but it was really that good.

Here's a shitty one anyway:

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I also hope that my mood swings will disappear, I'm a real bitch and I don't know how I have any friends left..

Today I've decided to have a good day. I'll go out, I'll look good and I'll go dancing maybe ;)

Have a great day, whoever it is that reads this space.

MIA - yra kaip yra.mpg

Life is good :)

There's nothing I want.. Well, it'd be bad if I would have gotten it though.

Ohh, but the main thing is, I'm not down.

Man nesvarbu kas bus toliau, nes as nebijau :)

Just came back home.
I had so many plans that have failed tonight. It was supposed to be special. This last day was meant to be the best. I guess I lost myself again and I don't know who I am or who I want to be. Maybe it just shows that I'm still a shit person. Oh well.

It's 2am. I had a very good time celebrating my LAST day, I met an amazing girl, I will see her next week.
Even though, she was a stranger, she was just lovely. Gave me good advice, comforted me, i think she made me happy, i think i remember smiling for a bit, coz real human kindness, I have faith in this world :) there was that guy as well. Charming etc hehe. I'm not sad and the night ended on a good note. Met nice strangers. They were just lovely. I think they've made my day. There was a black guy that was talking shit and I couldn't understand him no matter what hehe xD
And there was some one who, opened up to me and told me their deepest secrets. The ones he doesn't even share with his friends.. Being in a closet sucks hehe. But, oh well.
You want people thinking you're this and that, why hide? What is the point? If you're not honest you will never be happy.
The past 3 months were real. I had THAT FEELING, felt good to be alive, felt like I've got a purpose, wanted to just live and be good.
Feels like I have nothing anymore.

I've received bad news from some one.
Erm, it's tricky, but I know what I've got to do. It's finally the time, and I think I'm ready.
But... Fuck you. That's all. go get fucked and be fucking happy.

New Agne. I hope you will still be here tomorrow. I will need you for sure. Just remember and be who you are. Now that I have no hope and nothing to look forward to, I can just..

Hey you ;)

Heard you were in town. Be with me for the last night?

I will make all of your dreams come true and maybe more if you're nice :)

High life ends today, I shall miss your carelessness bad and dangerous behaviour. 

I will not forget your confidence, because I can talk to people now.

I won't forget the crazy nights and so many girls that smiled at me.

You MAKE ME WANT TO LIVE AND BE GOOD.

Thanks for the good time and maybe see you soon!

I'm very crazy and confused.. I'm happy but very lost.. Help? 

I need some kind of reminder to calm down :)

I won't ask... I'll wait forever, because you are SO worth it.

Will you be there?

Shit

I'm lost.. So lost. I don't know what to do. I've got a good thing going that has a potential to be perfect. Or do I go back and potentially risk everything, not knowing whether it would be the same or not?
How do you know which way to go?
For the past 3 months, life's been perfect. I live like a princess, I have everything I need. My friends like me now. They want to be around me. It's weird. So weird. What has changed? This new found confidence is great. I've got no idea where it came from. It's nice, in a way. But things and life in general have been crazy lately. So many changes. I'm so happy.. I'm flying and want to die at the same time.
Now, it seems, it's just a matter of time before everything collapses.

Damn, long time, but here I am.

Lots of crap going on. Mainly, it's the psychological abuse from my mother. Always the same threats that say she will evict me and so on. And the reason for this, recently was... Because I didn't post an ad online for her (she is computer illiterate), since she wants to rent a room in her house. That doesn't make sense does it? I'm still puzzled. I'm getting really depressed, I don't see any of my friends any more. I don't go out. I'm going insane and suicidal, yet again! The last time I had a feeling like this was due to her. Do you see a pattern? You need to be me to get it. But wait, don't I just sound like anyone else my age that still lives with their parents? Oh yes, that's convenient. I don't hate her, it's just the way she treats me. And any one else. She almost doesn't have any long term friends, she's lost most of them. She doesn't have a family any more, she refuses to talk to them. I still don't have answers why it happened, I ask around and it seems to be about money. It makes so much sense, because she has always pressured me for money. It's always about cleaning the house (even though I've been at work and I didn't make no mess) or money. That's what is on her mind. Nothing else!!! Damn. I have no freedom living here, I just feel dead. Lack of qualifications is a reason I can't escape. I am more than capable to do some IT work, yet the way that the system works here is just messed up. I've been trying for months now. I'm losing hope and everything else with it. It just seems that, nothing is worth living for. I figured, if I worked for 40 years, I could buy a house of my own. But of course I'm not allowed to spend anything out of my salary. How can I survive then?
I don't see much point or purpose in anything. I'm not giving up, but the feeling that I get looking over a motorway bridge... It's weird, but it seems to be it. Sometimes I just want to say fuck it, and just do it.
But I got to be strong, right?

May peace and love be with all of you :)