Damn, long time, but here I am.

Lots of crap going on. Mainly, it's the psychological abuse from my mother. Always the same threats that say she will evict me and so on. And the reason for this, recently was... Because I didn't post an ad online for her (she is computer illiterate), since she wants to rent a room in her house. That doesn't make sense does it? I'm still puzzled. I'm getting really depressed, I don't see any of my friends any more. I don't go out. I'm going insane and suicidal, yet again! The last time I had a feeling like this was due to her. Do you see a pattern? You need to be me to get it. But wait, don't I just sound like anyone else my age that still lives with their parents? Oh yes, that's convenient. I don't hate her, it's just the way she treats me. And any one else. She almost doesn't have any long term friends, she's lost most of them. She doesn't have a family any more, she refuses to talk to them. I still don't have answers why it happened, I ask around and it seems to be about money. It makes so much sense, because she has always pressured me for money. It's always about cleaning the house (even though I've been at work and I didn't make no mess) or money. That's what is on her mind. Nothing else!!! Damn. I have no freedom living here, I just feel dead. Lack of qualifications is a reason I can't escape. I am more than capable to do some IT work, yet the way that the system works here is just messed up. I've been trying for months now. I'm losing hope and everything else with it. It just seems that, nothing is worth living for. I figured, if I worked for 40 years, I could buy a house of my own. But of course I'm not allowed to spend anything out of my salary. How can I survive then?
I don't see much point or purpose in anything. I'm not giving up, but the feeling that I get looking over a motorway bridge... It's weird, but it seems to be it. Sometimes I just want to say fuck it, and just do it.
But I got to be strong, right?

May peace and love be with all of you :)